Why Big Feelings Hit So Hard (and What We Can Do About It)

If you’ve got a kid with ADHD or autism, there’s a good chance you’ve seen what people sometimes call “ADHD rage” or emotional meltdowns. I’ve seen this with my twins, and in my own life growing up. It can seem like we’re being over the top. But it’s not about being dramatic or looking for attention. It’s emotional dysregulation—and it’s one of the core things neurodivergent kids struggle with.

And here’s the hard truth most of us don’t get told early enough: emotional regulation is a developmental skill. That means some kids are going to hit that milestone later than others. For kids with ADHD or autism, that delay can be years.

That’s where parent training comes in. Once you understand what’s actually going on in your child’s brain—how executive function, meta-cognition, and emotional maturity are developing differently—you can start to adjust your expectations and respond in ways that help, not escalate. A lot of the parents I work with come to me feeling like they’re failing, or their kid is broken. Neither is true. What they need is a new lens, new tools, and a little support while they figure it out.

That’s what I do as a coach: help parents understand their child’s neurodivergence, shift how they approach behavior, and build real strategies that fit their family—not someone else’s checklist. If you're trying to figure all this out while riding the emotional rollercoaster, you're not alone. And you don’t have to figure it out solo.

Schedule a Free Discovery Call today to learn more about how I can help you as parents.

Let’s break down what emotional dysregulation can look like across age ranges—and how we can show up in ways that actually help.

Ages 2–5: No Filter, All Emotion

This is the age where all kids are emotional, but for kids with ADHD or autism, it’s dialed up. You get the full blast—laughing one second, melting down the next.

Kids this age don’t have meta-cognition yet (the ability to think about their own thinking), and for neurodivergent kids, that milestone can be even more delayed. They feel things fast, big, and all at once, with no built-in pause button.

The way we show up matters. We co-regulate with them. Stay close. Stay calm. Offer comfort. Words usually don’t land—our presence does. This is where things like sensory tools, pressure input, outside time, and movement help more than any pep talk. The key is giving them outlets and modeling regulation they can mirror.

Ages 6–9: Big Feelings, Bigger Reactions

This is when the emotional explosions start showing up more often—and in more public ways. You might see biting, hitting, kicking, or full-on meltdowns in the middle of group play. Not because they’re trying to hurt someone, but because their brain and body are in overload. Their nervous system is reacting, not planning.

This age is also when the social gap becomes more obvious. They want to connect, play, and be accepted—but when things feel unfair or unpredictable, the whole system short-circuits. A simple disagreement over game rules can turn into yelling or storming off. One second they’re in it, the next they’re on the floor, crying or throwing something across the room.

And if their home environment has a history of corporal punishment or harsh correction, that shows up here too. A kid who’s been taught that physical reactions are normal under stress is more likely to lead with their body when they don’t have words yet.

Internally, frustration starts to build. They know they’re getting in trouble more than other kids. They start questioning themselves. Even well-meaning encouragement can land wrong—“You’re smart, you just need to focus” can easily turn into “If I can’t focus, I must not be smart.”

This is also where imposter syndrome can take hold. It doesn’t always look like insecurity. It can show up as “I don’t care,” perfectionism, anxiety, or flat-out refusal. But a lot of the time, that’s fear talking. “If I try and fail, I just prove I’m not good enough.”

Here’s where intervention makes a real difference. With the right support, working with a psychiatrist for treatment, therapy, coaching, medication, parent training—this can be the catch-up window. We can start building their emotional vocabulary, helping them learn what they’re feeling before it becomes a meltdown.

We also start giving them better outlets. Movement, sensory play, deep pressure, outside time, quiet reset spaces—these aren’t just “nice to have.” They’re essential. Emotional regulation starts in the nervous system. And at this age, we can still get ahead of the storm if we build the right environment.

Ages 10–12: Puberty + Executive Dysfunction = Explosion

This is where things often explode. Hormones come in like a wrecking ball, amplifying every emotion. And if your kid was already struggling with impulse control or emotional regulation, this can feel like living in a constant storm.

This is when “ADHD rage” tends to show up more. Outbursts. Hitting. Screaming. Nail-digging. These reactions may look like overreactions, but it’s not a personality shift—it’s a nervous system going into fight-flight-freeze, usually stuck on fight.

It’s not manipulation. It’s not attitude. It’s a brain in survival mode.

This is the time to double down on outlets. Physical movement. Breaks.

Deep pressure. Predictable routines. Reset spaces. They also need help understanding what they feel. Emotional vocabulary, DBT tools (like distress tolerance and mindfulness), and coaching can help give them that language.

Medication can also play a role. Stimulants can improve regulation by giving their brain a bit more space between trigger and reaction. Guanfacine and clonidine are also great tools to look at for kids with high anxiety, sleep issues, or mood swings.

Ages 13–15: Identity Hits Hard

Teen years are hard for everyone, but for neurodivergent teens, it’s more intense. This is when they’re trying to build an identity, but if their early years were full of correction or constant masking, that identity can be rooted in shame.

This is when imposter syndrome and emotional dysregulation may become seriously obvious, so many of us at this age have the feeling of: “Everyone thinks I’m fine, but I’m barely holding it together.” This often shows up as procrastination, withdrawal, pushback, or emotional shutdowns. And if we don’t recognize it for what it is, we end up reacting to behavior and missing the pain underneath.

We have to be the ones who remind them that their path doesn’t need to look like everyone else’s. That milestones don’t define worth. That emotional regulation can be learned—even if they’re late to the party.

At this stage, therapy, coaching, peer support, and healthy mentorship can make a real difference. They need adults who get it, who won’t just push “better behavior,” but will help them reconnect to who they are.

And don’t stop with the outlets. Even teens need breaks, movement, fresh air, stim toys, or heavy blankets. It’s not babying—it’s nervous system support.

Ages 16+: Late Bloomers Are Still Bloomers

If they’ve had support all along, some teens start to level out here. More self-awareness. More emotional range. Maybe even self-advocacy. But if they didn’t get the help they needed earlier? This is where we start seeing burnout, shutdown, substance abuse, or even resistance to support altogether.

And again—what looks like defiance might actually be self-protection. “If I don’t try, I can’t fail.”

Therapy, coaching, and structured independence can help. But so can just reminding them that they can still grow. That being “behind” isn’t permanent. That they’re not broken—they just need tools that work for them.

Late bloomers aren’t late. They’re just on a different timeline. Let’s stop measuring them by someone else’s clock.

What I Hope You Walk Away Understanding

Emotional regulation is a skill—not a behavior problem, not a moral issue, and definitely not something a kid “just grows out of.” It’s something we teach, practice, and model.

Neurodivergent kids feel things big. And fast. And deep. If we don’t give them tools to manage those feelings, the world will teach them to hide or shame them instead.

We can do better than that.

So we need to show up. We name what’s happening. We model emotional regulation in real time. We build in breaks, outlets, pressure tools, time outside. We look at therapy, coaching, and meds when they make sense.

And we keep fighting for environments that support—not punish—their emotional growth.

Most of all, we hold space for who they’re becoming, even when it’s messy. Especially when it’s messy.

They don’t need to be “fixed.” They need to be understood.

And until they find their own voice, they’re borrowing ours. So let’s make sure it’s a kind one.