Why Age Expectations Fail Neurodivergent Kids

Most people don’t realize how much damage is done by holding neurodivergent kids to neurotypical age standards. Even highly supportive parents can fall into this without meaning to. The problem is that these expectations are often based on how old the child is, not how their brain develops. And that mismatch is one of the biggest reasons kids struggle, at home, in school, and socially.  

When a child is constantly held to standards they can’t yet meet, they internalize that failure. That’s not a behavior issue. That’s a developmental mismatch, and it erodes self-confidence, resilience, and motivation over time.

Executive Function Is Often Years Behind

ADHD can delay executive function by as much as 30%. A 10-year-old might function like a 7-year-old in terms of task initiation, transitions, working memory, and impulse control.

This doesn’t mean they’re not smart. A kid can be articulate, creative, or even gifted, but still melt down when asked to pause a video, forget their homework daily, or fall apart over simple instructions. That’s not oppositional behavior. That’s lagging executive function.

Other Areas That Don’t Match Age

Executive function isn’t the only skill that develops unevenly in ADHD and Autism. Other areas commonly delayed include:

• Emotional regulation: Meltdowns, rage outbursts, or intense crying often come from an inability to regulate big feelings, not from manipulation or lack of discipline. A 12-year-old may manage emotion like a 8 or 9-year-old.

• Social communication: Delays in reading cues, tone, or facial expressions can make neurodivergent kids seem rude or immature. They may monologue, struggle with perspective-taking, or miss social timing, especially when stressed.

• Working memory: Kids may forget what you just said, even if they were looking you in the eye. They might know the steps to get ready but can’t recall all of them in the moment.

• Cognitive flexibility: Struggles with change, transitions, or unexpected events aren’t personality traits, they’re neurological. When routines break, these kids can freeze, lash out, or hyperfocus on “what should’ve happened.”

• Impulse control: This is not about knowing right from wrong. These kids often do know. Their brains just act before they can access that information. Punishment doesn’t teach impulse control, it teaches shame.

• Sensory regulation and processing: Noise, lights, textures, and crowded spaces can overload their system. A tantrum may be the end result of 30 minutes of silent sensory overwhelm.

Why “They Should Know Better” Doesn’t Work

When a child speaks like a 10-year-old but regulates like a 8-year-old, it’s easy to assume they’re choosing to behave poorly. But that assumption leads to strategies that don’t work, like consequences, lectures, or escalating pressure.

And when those don’t work, everyone feels defeated. Parents think they’re failing. Kids believe they’re broken. It doesn’t matter how much love is present, if the expectations are misaligned, everyone loses.

Therapy and Coaching Are Part of the Solution

Here’s the truth: you can’t discipline skills into existence. You have to build them. You have to give yourself, and them, the tools that they need that develops them in their own unique ways.

That’s where therapy comes in, not just for the child, but for the parents.

• Child therapy can include play therapy, DBT skills training, occupational therapy for regulation, or social skills groups. CBT for children over the age of 12 to develop coping mechanisms. These help build up external tools to help with what they struggle with internally, and improves emotional regulation, flexible thinking, social understanding, and resilience.

• Parent training and coaching helps adults understand how to support lagging skills without over-accommodating or falling into power struggles. It’s about learning how to coach your child, not just manage their behavior. Giving them agency and helping them with learning from mistakes rather than feeling ashamed of them.

• Family systems therapy or joint sessions can help repair communication breakdowns, restore connection, and rebuild trust, especially when conflict or burnout is high.

If you’re only supporting one side of the system, you’re not building sustainable change.

Therapy isn't just for the children though. As you go through this journey with them, you may discover you or your spouse's own neurodivergence, or you just may feel overwhelmed by the struggles that you deal with. Therapy is important for both parents as well to help you be able to be the support that your children need.

This is why I work with ScienceWorks Behavioral Health, we provide adult assessments, therapy, and coaching for parents and individuals, Check them out today!

The Role of Medication

For some children, therapy and environmental supports alone aren’t enough to bridge the developmental gap. ADHD and certain aspects of Autism involve brain chemistry differences that affect focus, impulse control, and emotional regulation. In those cases, the right medication can be a powerful part of the support system.

Medication isn’t about “fixing” a child, it’s about giving their brain a more level playing field so they can use the strategies, skills, and coping tools they’re learning in therapy and at home. For many families, it’s the difference between constant battles and being able to connect, learn, and grow.

When considering medication:

• It works best when paired with therapy, parent coaching, and consistent supports.

• Finding the right type and dosage often takes time and close communication with a prescribing provider.

• The goal isn’t sedation or compliance, it’s improved self-regulation, focus, and access to learning.

The decision to medicate is personal, and it’s not the first step for every family. But when the right supports are already in place and a child is still struggling significantly, medication can open the door to progress that otherwise feels out of reach.

Teaching Self-Agency and Strategic Growth

Supporting a neurodivergent child means giving them the tools to own and learn from their journey, not just comply with adult direction, and social pressures to conform.

They need to:

• Learn from mistakes without shame. That requires space to try, fail, reflect, and try again without fear of being punished or labeled as “lazy” or “disrespectful.”

• Develop agency and learn decision making. They should have a say in how their supports work, and learn how to advocate for themselves in age-appropriate ways.

• Play to their strengths of how their brains work. That might mean leaning into creativity, tech, humor, spatial reasoning, or movement-based learning instead of forcing the neurotypical route.

• Delegate or scaffold weaknesses. It’s okay to use checklists, body doubling, timers, or step-by-step guides. That’s not cheating. That’s adapting.

• Work on confidence. Neurodivergent kids are constantly told, directly or indirectly, that they’re “too much,” “not enough,” or “behind.” Building confidence means celebrating effort and growth, not just outcomes.

This isn’t about lowering expectations. It’s about aligning them to developmental reality, then building a path upward with real tools, consistent support, and a focus on the child’s full humanity.

The Long Game: Regulation Over Punishment

Most of the skills we expect from kids, emotional control, memory, self-motivation, task-switching, are things many neurodivergent adults still struggle with. We don’t punish adults for using calendars, breaks, or support groups. So why are we expecting kids to navigate without those tools?

When we meet kids where they are, support them without shame, and teach them to work with their brains instead of against them, they build the skills they need to grow. Not overnight, but over time. 

That’s how you build long-term capability and confidence.

And that’s how you stop the cycle of unrealistic expectations and start building something better.

If you're a parent and you are looking for support and help with your children with ADHD and/or Autism, let's talk! I help parents find their way through this maze of information and give you actionable strategies for supporting your kids. Schedule a Free Discovery Call with me today!