Why Spanking Hurts Neurodivergent Kids More Than You Think

Spanking isn’t just outdated. It’s harmful, especially for neurodivergent children. The American Psychological Association (APA), the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), and CHADD all strongly discourage corporal punishment. Over 30 years of research has consistently shown that spanking increases aggression, anxiety, defiance, and emotional dysregulation in children.

For kids with ADHD, autism, or related conditions, those outcomes are amplified. Their nervous systems are already under stress. Many struggle with impulse control, emotional regulation, and sensory sensitivities. When they’re hit—even lightly—it doesn’t teach a lesson. It overloads their system.

"I Was Spanked and I Turned Out Fine"

Let’s break that down. First, "fine" is doing a lot of work in that sentence. Many adults who were spanked deal with anxiety, people-pleasing, fear of authority, low self-worth, or explosive anger, and many of us do not connect it back to the way they were disciplined. Just because you survived something doesn’t mean it was good for you. And it definitely doesn’t mean we should repeat it.

This line of thinking also centers your experience instead of your child’s. Parenting isn’t about doing what was done to you. It’s about learning what your child needs now, and being strong enough to break the cycle.

Fear Doesn’t Teach. It Fractures.

Spanking doesn’t build understanding—it builds fear. For neurodivergent kids, who already have difficulty with processing emotions and making connections between cause and effect, the message doesn’t land. You’re not teaching accountability. You’re teaching them that people who love you are allowed to hurt you.

Their nervous system gets flooded. Their memory of what just happened becomes distorted. Instead of remembering what they did wrong, they remember that they got hit. And instead of feeling safe with you, they feel ashamed or scared—or angry.

Worse, neurodivergent kids often externalize their experiences. If they’re shown that hitting is how adults solve problems, they’re more likely than neurotypical kids to mimic that behavior—at school, with siblings, or even toward themselves.

Trauma Hits Harder for Neurodivergent Brains

Research shows that neurodivergent individuals are more vulnerable to trauma. Their brains process and store emotional experiences differently. They are more likely to develop PTSD-like symptoms from “minor” stressors, let alone repeated corporal punishment.

Even one incident of being hit by a parent can create lasting confusion. The person they love most—who’s supposed to protect them—just hurt them. Their sense of safety is disrupted. Their definition of love becomes blurred. This is especially true for kids with rejection sensitivity, sensory processing issues, or attachment wounds.

And no matter how calm or justified you think you are when you spank, your child isn’t seeing reason—they’re feeling betrayal.

Breaking the Cycle Starts With You

If you were raised with corporal punishment, this isn’t about shame. You don’t have to stay stuck in what you were taught. Healing generational trauma starts when you choose to parent differently—and that takes support.

That means:

• Owning your triggers and getting help with your own anger, anxiety, or overwhelm

• Learning parenting tools that don’t rely on fear or control

• Being open to new models, even if they feel unfamiliar or uncomfortable at first

• Getting therapy to process your own childhood experiences and build new skills

You’re not a bad parent because you were spanked. But you become a better one when you decide not to pass that trauma on. You're not a bad parent if you have spanked your child, everyone makes mistakes, and our trauma can cause us to fall into traps. However, now that you are learning about it, it's important to understand that if you continue down this path, then you are actively harming your children.

If you’re looking for support, we work with ScienceWorks Behavioral Health to help parents get connected to therapy, coaching, and training that actually work for neurodivergent families. Whether it’s emotional regulation, parent-child conflict, or building tools for consistency, our collaborative approach is here to help.

What Works Instead: Positive Parenting and Support

Positive parenting isn’t soft or permissive. It’s structured, consistent, and clear—but grounded in connection, not fear.

Some tools to start with:

• Natural and logical consequences that help kids learn cause and effect, that are explained and learned from

• Co-regulation: helping your child calm down with you, not in isolation

• Visual routines and external systems to support executive function

• Modeling behavior and practicing repair when things go wrong

• Discipline that focuses on teaching skills instead of punishment

Coaching, therapy, and structured parent training programs can make a huge difference. I break this down more in the blog:

“Parent Training – The First Step in ADHD/Autism Management in Children”

You can also explore external resources like:

• PsychCentral’s Guide to Parenting Neurodivergent Children

• ADDitudeMag’s Discipline Strategies For ADHD Kids

The goal isn’t to get everything right. It’s to move in the right direction—toward safety, connection, and growth. Your child deserves to know that love isn’t something they have to fear.

If you're a parent and you are looking for support and help with your children with ADHD and/or Autism, let's talk! I help parents find their way through this maze of information and give you actionable strategies for supporting your kids. Schedule a Free Discovery Call with me today!