Your Child Isn't Being Disrespectful: Understanding the Difference Between Dysregulation and Behavioral Disorders

I see a lot of parents in my ADHD Parent Support Group calling out behavior they think is disrespectful, and we need to talk about it. The word "disrespect" gets thrown around when a kid talks back, refuses to comply, or has a meltdown. But most of the time, what looks like disrespect is actually something completely different. It's either emotional dysregulation, a behavioral disorder, or both. And if you don't understand the difference, you're going to struggle to help your child.

Emotional Dysregulation: The ADHD and Autism Component

Many kids with ADHD and autism struggle with emotional dysregulation. This isn't a choice. It's a neurological difference in how their brain processes stress, overwhelm, and emotions. Their nervous system gets flooded faster than a neurotypical kid's does, and they don't have the skills yet to manage it. Research shows that 48 to 54 percent of children and 30 to 70 percent of adults with ADHD experience emotional dysregulation, and up to 80 percent of autistic individuals deal with it as well.

This shows up as meltdowns, shutdowns, explosive reactions to minor frustrations, or complete refusal to engage when things feel too hard. The triggers can be school stress, sensory overload, transitions, or even just the cumulative weight of trying to function in a world that wasn't built for their brain. When your kid screams at you or melts down over homework, they're not trying to be disrespectful. They're drowning in overwhelm and don't have the tools to communicate it any other way.

Emotional dysregulation can't be solved through permissive parenting where there are no boundaries, and it also can't be solved through authoritarian parenting where you just crack down harder. It requires significant support through therapy and parent coaching so you understand how to help your child build the resilience and emotional regulation skills they need as they get older. Effective therapeutic approaches for emotional dysregulation include Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behavior Therapy, and emotion regulation skills training. These therapies teach kids how to identify their emotions, understand their triggers, and develop coping strategies that actually work with their neurology.

This also means learning stress management strategies for things happening at school and outside of the home, because a lot of what explodes at home has nothing to do with you. Your child might be holding it together all day at school, masking their struggles, and then completely falling apart the moment they feel safe at home. That's not disrespect. That's their nervous system finally releasing all the accumulated stress from the day.

When It's More Than Dysregulation: Behavioral Disorders

Then there's the other side of the coin. Some of the extreme behaviors we see in this group go beyond emotional dysregulation. I'm talking about the punching, biting, fighting, violence, destruction of property, and relentless aggression. These are not always signs of ADHD or autism-related emotional dysregulation. These can fall into the category of behavioral disorders.

Behavioral disorders are often comorbid with ADHD and autism. Research shows that about two-thirds of children with ADHD have at least one other psychiatric disorder, and behavioral disorders are among the most common. These disorders can have multiple contributing factors including trauma, differences in brain wiring, and chemical imbalances, though the exact causes vary from child to child. Some behavioral disorders develop in response to trauma or adverse experiences, while others emerge from neurological differences or a combination of factors that we don't fully understand yet.

This is a fine line to understand, and it's why we have to work with medical professionals and therapists to identify them. We have to understand how to determine what is emotional dysregulation and what is a behavioral disorder. Often medication has to be involved here, along with very specific therapy approaches that target the underlying causes. For behavioral disorders like Oppositional Defiant Disorder or Conduct Disorder, evidence-based treatments include Parent-Child Interaction Therapy, behavioral therapy, and family therapy. These approaches are different from the therapies used for emotional dysregulation because they address the specific patterns and mechanisms driving the oppositional or aggressive behaviors.

Many people conflate these behaviors with ADHD and autism without understanding that they are separate issues that have to be treated separately. This is why psychoeducation is so important for parents. You can't effectively support your child if you're treating a behavioral disorder like it's just ADHD-related dysregulation, or vice versa.

Understanding PDA and ODD: When "No" Becomes the Default

Two specific behavioral patterns that often get confused with general ADHD or autism behavior are Pathological Demand Avoidance and Oppositional Defiant Disorder. These are behavioral disorders rooted in different mechanisms, and understanding the distinction matters.

Oppositional Defiant Disorder is classified as a disorder in the DSM-V, but symptoms of ODD often present situationally. Kids with ODD who are openly resistant in one setting or with one authority figure may be completely cooperative in other areas of their life. Their behavior presents like a switch, angry one minute and fine the next. This can be confusing to parents whose child acts out at home but not at school. Children with ADHD may exert authority in an area where they feel relatively secure, or they may direct their defiance toward the parent who they think is most likely to take it and forgive it.

Pathological Demand Avoidance is more intense and pervasive than ODD. It's characterized by an overwhelming and consistent need to avoid or resist demands across almost all situations. Kids with PDA are obsessive in their resistance to requests that they perceive as overly assertive. They may avoid compliance by resorting to manipulative behaviors and even turn down activities they enjoy. 

Parents may notice sudden changes in mood that are associated with the need to control or reject a demand. PDA is not a standalone diagnosis in the U.S., but it falls under the umbrella of autism spectrum diagnoses and is seen most often in people with autism, however, new science showing that it can also be found in children with severe ADHD, and high anxiety.

What's important to understand is that both ODD and PDA involve patterns where the child's internal narrative is often telling them they're a failure, they can't do things right, no one likes them, or they're stupid. Their defiance is an unskilled and ineffective attempt to manage these feelings. They're trying to manage their external surroundings when things feel out of control on the inside.

Understanding Choice vs. Not-Choice in Behavior

Here's where it gets complicated, and where parents need to understand nuance. When your child is in the middle of emotional dysregulation during overwhelm, that behavior is not a choice. Their nervous system has been hijacked, their prefrontal cortex has gone offline, and they're operating from fight-or-flight. You can't punish that out of them because it's a neurological response, not a behavioral choice.

Behavioral patterns that develop from conditions like ODD or PDA are more complex. These aren't fully a choice in the way we typically think about choice, but they're also not the same as involuntary dysregulation. These are learned patterns of responding to perceived demands or threats to autonomy, and they require different intervention. Your child isn't consciously choosing to be oppositional in the moment, but they've developed these patterns over time as a way of managing anxiety, maintaining control, or protecting themselves from feelings of failure or inadequacy.

This distinction matters because it changes how you respond. For emotional dysregulation, you need to help your child regulate and teach them skills for next time. For behavioral disorders, you need therapeutic intervention that addresses the underlying patterns and teaches new ways of responding. Both require compassion and understanding, but they require different strategies.

Parenting Styles: What Helps and What Makes It Worse

The parenting approach you use has a massive impact on whether these behaviors improve or escalate. There are three main parenting styles parents fall into, and only one of them actually works for neurodivergent kids. Let me break them down.

Permissive parenting is where there are no real boundaries or consequences. Everything is negotiable, and the parent avoids conflict by giving in. This approach doesn't teach kids emotional regulation or how to function within necessary limits. It creates more dysregulation because kids need structure and predictability, even if they fight against it in the moment. Permissive parenting tells a child their emotions are more important than learning to manage those emotions, and that's a setup for disaster as they get older. Parents are warm and responsive but reluctant to impose rules or standards, preferring to let their kids regulate themselves. This lack of structure leaves kids without the skills they need to manage their behavior.

Authoritarian parenting is the opposite extreme. This is the "because I said so" approach where the parent demands compliance, uses harsh consequences, including corporal punishments or threats of it, and doesn't allow for negotiation or explanation. Authoritarian parents show less warmth and sensitivity and insist on blind obedience. This approach is devastating for neurodivergent kids because it triggers their fight-or-flight response, increases anxiety, and makes them feel powerless. It doesn't teach them how to regulate. It just teaches them to either comply out of fear or to dig in harder and escalate the conflict.

Gentle parenting, which is often confused with permissive parenting, is actually the same thing as authoritative parenting. This is the approach that works. Gentle or authoritative parenting involves clear boundaries with respectful implementation. You set limits, you explain why those limits exist, and you enforce consequences in a way that doesn't shame or belittle the child. You collaborate with your child to find solutions, you give them autonomy where appropriate, and you validate their feelings while still holding the boundary. Authoritative parents are nurturing and empathetic, but they also set very clear expectations and reliably hold their kids accountable. They don't resort to threats or punishments, and research consistently shows that children raised by authoritative parents are more likely to demonstrate independence, self-control, and academic and social success.

Parents often misunderstand gentle parenting as letting kids do whatever they want, but that's not it at all. Gentle parenting is about being firm and kind at the same time. It's about teaching, not punishing. And it's the only approach that actually helps neurodivergent kids build the skills they need to regulate themselves. Decades of research confirm that authoritative parenting is the most effective style for raising productive, well-adjusted, functional children with ADHD and autism.

Getting the Support You and Your Child Need

I'm saying all of this to make one point clear: stop assuming that your child is being disrespectful when they are simply emotionally dysregulated. Learn to understand the difference between ADHD and autism-related dysregulation and behavioral disorders, and get the support that you and they need.

This starts with education on your part. You need to understand how ADHD and autism affect emotional regulation, stress response, and behavior. You need to learn how to identify when dysregulation is happening versus when a behavioral disorder might be at play. This isn't something you can figure out on your own. You need to work with therapists, coaches, and medical professionals who understand neurodivergence and can help you identify what's actually going on.

Comprehensive treatment for neurodivergent kids with behavioral challenges typically includes multiple components working together. Medication often serves as a foundation, helping to manage the underlying neurological factors that contribute to dysregulation and behavioral issues. Therapy for your child addresses both emotional regulation skills and behavioral patterns, using approaches tailored to their specific needs. Parent coaching or training teaches you how to implement effective strategies at home and respond to challenging behaviors in ways that actually help rather than escalate. And school accommodations and support ensure your child has the structure and assistance they need throughout their day.

Your child needs medication and therapy tailored to their specific needs. If it's emotional dysregulation, they need therapy that teaches them regulation skills and coping strategies like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or Dialectical Behavior Therapy. If it's a behavioral disorder, they need therapy and potentially medication that addresses the underlying causes through approaches like Parent-Child Interaction Therapy or behavioral therapy. If it's both, which is often the case, they need a comprehensive treatment plan that addresses all of it.

And you need parent coaching or training that teaches you how to support your child effectively. You can't use the same parenting strategies you'd use with a neurotypical child and expect them to work. You need to learn how to implement gentle or authoritative parenting in a way that works with your child's brain, not against it. You need to understand their triggers, their patterns, and how to de-escalate situations before they become full-blown crises.

But here's what a lot of parents don't realize: you also need therapy for yourself. Parenting a neurodivergent child is incredibly demanding, and you can't pour from an empty cup. You need support to process your own stress, frustration, and the emotional toll of navigating these challenges. You need a space to work through your own triggers, especially if your child's behavior activates unresolved issues from your own childhood or current struggles.

And critically, you need to identify any neurodivergent tendencies that you may also have. If you're ADHD, autistic, or AuDHD yourself, that changes everything about how you approach parenting. You might be dealing with your own emotional dysregulation, executive function challenges, or sensory sensitivities while trying to manage your child's needs. You might be struggling with the same things your child is struggling with, which can make it incredibly hard to stay regulated when they're dysregulated. Many parents don't get diagnosed until their child does, and then they suddenly see themselves in their child's symptoms.

Getting evaluated and understanding your own neurodivergence isn't just about you. It's about being able to parent more effectively. When you understand your own triggers, limitations, and patterns, you can build systems that work for your brain while you're helping your child build systems that work for theirs. When you're managing your own ADHD or autism, you're modeling regulation and self-awareness for your child. And when you're in therapy working on your own stuff, you're better equipped to show up as the regulated, supportive parent your child needs.

The bottom line is this: disrespect is a moral judgment, and most of the time it's the wrong framework for understanding what's happening with your neurodivergent child. What looks like disrespect is usually dysregulation, a behavioral disorder, or a combination of both. And the only way forward is to get educated, get support for both you and your child, understand your own neurodivergence if it exists, and stop treating these behaviors as character flaws that need to be punished out of your child. They need understanding, appropriate intervention, and parents who can see past the surface behavior to what's really happening underneath. And you need support too, because you can't do this alone.

If you need support and training, I can help you with this. Sign up for a Free Discovery Call today and find out how Parent Coaching can help you and your kids thrive.