Chores and the mental load
One of you is tracking the appointments, the groceries, the bills, and the birthday gifts for everyone's family, and is tired of being the only one who remembers. The other one wants to help, does help when asked, and can't understand why asking is the problem. Neither of you set it up this way on purpose. It's one of the patterns I see most in neurodivergent relationships, and one of the most fixable.
Splitting everything fifty-fifty sounds fair, and it usually breaks, because it ignores what each brain can reliably carry. The mental load isn't just doing the tasks. It's holding them in your head. We get the household out of one person's head and into a shared system both of you can actually run, then split it by capacity instead of by score.
Start with these
Free resource
Get the free Values and Strengths Workbook
The workbook I start coaching with. You figure out what actually matters to you and what you're actually good at, so you can build your life around both instead of around who you think you should be. For adults with ADHD, autism, or AuDHD, diagnosed or wondering.
For more, check out these Resources!
Book
ADHD After Dark
Ari Tuckman
The book nobody else wrote, on what ADHD does to intimacy, written like a clinician who's talked to thousands of couples.
Ari Tuckman is a psychologist and sex therapist, and this is a direct book about ADHD and sex. It covers how ADHD affects desire, intimacy, and the relationship around them, built on his own survey of couples. That's community survey data, not controlled research. For couples where the sex life has gone quiet and nobody wants to be the one to bring it up.
Podcast
Sorry, I Missed This (Understood.org)
Cate Osborn
ADHD and relationships from someone living it, with zero shame and a lot of humor.
Cate Osborn is a certified sex educator with ADHD, and her show is about what ADHD does inside a relationship: communication, intimacy, sex, and the arguments that repeat. She says the parts most ADHD content skips. She's a creator, not a clinician. For couples where one or both partners have ADHD, and single adults trying to work out why dating keeps going the same way.
YouTube channel
ADHD & Marriage
Melissa Orlov
Melissa Orlov wrote The ADHD Effect on Marriage, and this is her channel. She talks about the parent-child pattern that sets in when one partner ends up managing the other, and what a couple can do about it. She also runs a couples seminar and support groups, so the videos point somewhere. If you've had the same fight for years, start here.